Report: There’s the usual caution with new opponents such as Elmbridge, how seriously do you take them, how do you play the game if you open the batting or bowling. Even if you play well, will the other team do better.
Well Elmbridge had one set of credentials for a half decent team, everyone in whites, the usual second credential, southern hemisphere accents was absent, so the possibility of a close game based on these two assumptions was on.
Despite having a relatively large squad of 14 or 15 to choose from plus Deando occasionals, the skipper & sec’s work was cut out to get an 11 from an available 9 bolstered by two late stand ins supplied by Knoxy.
Skipper Bisson won the toss and elected to bat stating his intention to go for it with Knoxy and hero of Wandgas, Dan Reuben, opening the batting on a pitch with markers laid out so generous to the bastmen they could have been mistaken for fielding restriction markers!
Knoxy dug into the bowling taking the shots while Daniel dug in the anchor providing a grand opening stand keeping the run rate ticking over about a constant 7 or 8 an over. Knoxy reached his 50 with ease and a century looked on the cards until Elmbridge brought on a serious bowler & took Knoxy for 62 with a dubious LBW decision which was one of the quietest appeals I have ever heard. Sparky came in and restored some order knocking a measured 36 not out while Dan had a good knock but fell in the penultimate over with 35. Test match Trevor came in for the last couple to slow down the run rate and make it a reasonable target of 152.
Even the most optimistic of skippers with a target to defend would still open with their best bowlers to test the water before putting on the pie chuckers to make a game of it. Dan opened as usual and lasted two overs for 1 wicket. In a strange twist, and maybe trying to prevent Manuwar running away with the bowling trophy, Bisson put Bolland on who had got rid of his rust and took two wickets for 4 runs with 3 maidens! Mahesh came on at change and took another wicket, while Bisson, smelling rabbits, brought himself on for 4 fruitless overs which would have been fruitful if author had not dropped a simple catch at gully, sorry skip. Manuwar finished off the top end with two wickets in successive balls, the hat trick ball nicked to second slip between Daniel and Ducklin at 1st & 3rd.
The reluctance of the Knoxy volunteer corps to bowl and the lack of batting depth meant that the run rate ran away from Elmbridge with Ducklin taking a wicket off his second spell caught by a generous Bisson who should have dropped it. Ducklin took it upon himself to make a game of it with two successive wides for the final ball, unfortunately, by that time Elmbridge needed him to channel the spirit of Harmison and bowl 98 more wides to make a game of it as OC’s finished comfortable winners.
Champagne moment, John Bolland half heartedly appealing an LBW which not even Collett behind the stumps shouted for, the umpire then gave the batsman out but only about 3 people noticed, EXCLUDING Bolland and the game carried on as if nothing happened…….
Date: 10th June 2008
Versus: Epsom Taxes
Venue: Wandgas
Result: OC's win by 4 wickets
Report: After recent emails, I was thinking of following up the Apprentice pastiche of two weeks ago with a Dad’s Army pastiche, Bisson as Mainwaring, Collett as Sergeant Wilson, Beeksy as Private Walker etc…however the events of the game at Wandgas deserved more than that.
There are a number of rivalries in sport that are well know, the Old Firm, the North London Derby, the Merseyside Derby, Ali & Frazier, England vs Australia in the Ashes. To that can be added Old Californians vs Epsom Taxes usually a game to be sure to be tight and this one was no exception.
OC’s lost the toss and the Taxmen took to the crease. Regular openers Daniel Reuben and Manuwar (15 off 4) opened the bowling with both being economical with the ball with the added bonus of a wicket for Dan (9 off 4 1 wkt 1 mdn).
The Taxmen pressed down on the accelerator as James and Mahesh were first change with both bowlers going for about 6 an over but Mahesh keeping up his great bowling season with 2 wickets including a catch behind which surprised stand in keeper Knoxy. John B was still rusty as his single over was expensive before Bisson brought himself and Beeks on with Beeks taking two wickets for 12 off two and Bisson getting one rabbit for 5 off 2 leaving a target or a round 100 for the OC’s
Sparks came in to anchor the innings against some tight and economical bowling supported by a brief cameo by Reuben the youngest Followed by Reuben the eldest. Despite keeping the runs ticking along, Sparky was protecting the wicket while Dan was having a crisis of confidence with the bat while the run rate decreased and the rate required increased, similar to the english retreat at the beginning credits of Dad's Army! Sparky eventually fell on 29 leaving OCs requiring about 25 with 4 or 5 overs left “we’re doomed!”. Bisson made a brief 4 before falling LBW bringing in Beeks to support Dan.
The tension was building, the team and sun chasing cheerleaders couldn’t contain themselves on the sidelines cursing and willing Dan in equal measure to cast of the shackles of caution and slog it without losing his wicket.
15 were required off 2 overs, no one could watch, Reuben the Father, not playing was now umpiring and probably playing every ball with his son leading us to think that he will get so involved he will pull a calf while umpiring!
5 came off the penultimate over with Dan on strike leaving 10 required, James mentioned the obvious that a boundary was needed in the first two balls, Ducklin paced around nervously practicing a stroke he hoped would not be required to play to become the hero of Wandgas again.
Suddenly, Daniel found his batting mojo again the final over goes thus, 2 runs, 2 runs after a misfiled and another two runs despite Beeks (5 n.o.) having the turning circle of a crude oil tanker leaving 4 required off three.
The Taxmen had set the field heavy on the leg side as usual with Dan’s choice of shots, the fourth the ball came in and he played to the boundary on the off side! Victory by 4 wickets with Dan getting almost half his 21 not out in 4 balls as the OC’s win with two balls to spare "Don't Panic!". Great Game, Great Cricket, and far more entertaining than the current New Zealand one day series.
Champagne Moment, a toss up between Knoxy’s surprised reaction to his own catch and Daniel Reuben’s winning boundary.
Date: 27th May 2008
Versus: Priory Panthers
Venue: Ruxley Lane
Result: Priory Panthers win by 9 wickets
Report: Back at the pavilion the OC’s and Priory Panthers sat at the table, on the opposite side were three people, the man in the middle of the three spoke.
“Margaret, can I have the figures for the OC’s please.”
“The OC’s has 75 – 8 off their 20 overs”
“Nick, can I have the figures for the Priory Panthers please.”
“Priory Panthers had 76 for 1 wicket after approximately 12 overs leading to a Priory Panthers win by 9 wickets”
“Well, that’s pretty convincing,” said the man in the middle “Priory Panthers, you won the match, now go to the bar & drink yourself silly.” Sir Alan dismissed them with his hand and the Panthers stood and left, Sir Alan then turned and faced the OC’s with a scowl.
“Ben, you were project manager for the match, what happened?”
“Well we got spanked by a side that played in white, bought a lot of their own kit and had a few southern hemisphere accents, we just turn up & play for the crack.”
“Well at least you are honest, but you didn’t trouble with the bat or ball so you didn’t lead by example, who do you think you are Mike Brearley, are you a people person?”
“Well I have dodgy calves & hamstrings, I’m not as spry as I used to be.” Pleaded Ben.
“That’s enough of your excuses,” said Sir Alan, putting up a hand to stop Ben, “Dan, what did you do?”
“Well I got our only wicket with the bowling and I supported the batsman by not losing my wicket.”
“But it was a 20 Twenty game & you played it like a test match,” Sir Alan interrupted “You have to swing a bit as well as playing the straight bat, this was Weekend Dan when the side needed swinger Dan, but at least you managed to score some runs, take a wicket and not lose yours, you’re off the hook.” Sir Alan turned to Knoxy. “you are off the hook too, highest score of 35, not bad at all.”
“James was out to a good catch for 3, mentioned Ben.”
Sir Alan scowled “Don’t interrupt me, granted he went out to a good catch but he also bowls, but you didn’t bowl him, shall I give you a shovel so you can dig yourself deeper? Lets have a look at the bowling, Manuwar, no wickets but fairly economical, same with Mahesh, well done, a few dot balls there as well,” he then turned to Bolland “Johnny boy, you got spanked, what’s your excuse?”
“It was my first game back from a broken rib I was a bit rusty.” Mentioned JB in his usual laid back Scouse accent, Sir Alan scowled as if the laid back accent insulted him and then glanced at Ben,
“Again that’s the skippers decision, it’s not looking good for you. Let’s look at the rest of the batting, Collett, the amount of dot balls you provided didn’t trouble the scorers, those pens probably have reinforced ball points, Dan Moore, nice figures at the end in adversity, Nathan, a duck we’ll get back to you and Mahesh, you came in at the death when you couldn’t do much.” Sir Alan then turned to Ducklin. “Out LBW for 0, forward defensive you are having a laugh, no major contribution in the field, what do you do?” he asked.
“Write the match report.” He replied
“Well this one had bloody well better be good or you’ll be writing your own career obituary.” Barked Sir Alan. “Nate, back to you, what did you do?”
“Well I fielded on the boundary and had some good throws in.”
“Plus a large overthrow, but it’s all academic if you lose with 8 overs to spare!” Sir Alan turned back to Ben.
“Well the time has come to make my decision, not many of yourselves have covered yourselves in glory and a number have dug a hole for yourselves to be buried in. In fact, the only people to come out of this with good figures are Bisson & Parker and Beeks because they didn’t get their averages spanked! Ben, you were project manager, you were responsible for the team and therefore responsible for the loss.”
Sir alan paused ans sat up straight in his chair, not at all raised by a foot to try & disguise the fact he's a short ar*e.
“After some consideration of the performance on the night and hearing your excuses for this dismal performance, I have only one choice to make, the person that is going to be fired put away the worst performance of the night, so ridiculed that your name may even be slang for a derogatory term meaning failing to perform or meet the standards expected from you.”
Sir Alan turned to the person and gave his trademark point to the person in question.
“Michael Sophocles, you’re fired, now how’s that for a fair dismissal!”
Date: 20 May 2008
Versus: MNPA Occasionals
Venue: Ruxley Lane
Result: OC's win by 24 Runs
Report: OC’s vs MNPA Occasionals
The build up to the weeks biggest game has been brewing up to a crescendo, mind games, taunts, barracking and people coming in to find about 20 emails in their inbox not work related and we are not talking about the reds vs blues in Moscow.
Come game day, although it was sunny, a chill wind blew in from the east, from the west came the one night only performance of Ian Doyle, skipper, batsman, bowler, fielder and now cider drinker in Somerset.
OC’s won the toss and elected to bat first, Reuben the eldest and DJ coming into bat. The standard of bowling was expected to be poor so Bisson informed the umpires to show a bit of leniency on the wides, unfortunately Reuben the younger chased a wide one and edged to the keeper for a single. Collett came in and kept to his “test match” tag by only taking shots at balls he liked, 20 runs of his 28 came off 4 deliveries which were as buffet as they come. Despite the umpires warned about the quality of the bowling, some of those in “civvies” were quite handy, one particular bowler finding a nice line and length which went through the gate to dismiss James for 32. Doyle, in his “Somerset Waste Management” Van and Australia rugby top appeared to be auditioning for “The X Factor” with his constant renditions of “Yeah Yeah” by Georgie Fame & the Blue Flames (or Matt Bianco if you re a child of the 80’s) mixed up with the usual comedy attempts at running himself out before departing caught for 38. A disappointing spell from the middle order followed but OC’s ended on a satisfactory 120.
The chill wind saw a disappointing turnout from the OC’s Beach Babes supporters who after sitting in the sun waving 4’s and 6’s retired to the shelter of the pavilion with their fruit based drink, for the laides.
Finnerty showed his face in the pavilion after the game and Doyle disappeared into the sunset, via a Ruby Murray, back to the wild west, his job done just like the man with no name, Lassie, or the Littlest Hobo.
Man of the Match – Ian Doyle for travelling from afar, for having a good spell with both bat & ball which effectively won the match.
Champagne Moment – Knox ct Collett b Mahesh, the significance of the wicket which confirmed Mahesh as a developing bowler plus the sight of seeing Ben in an Umpires coat appealing the catch rather than giving the batsman the finger.
Date: 13th May 2008
Versus: Croydon
Venue: Ruxley Lane
Result: OCs win by 83 Runs
Report: Cricket hadn’t passed through the mind of the author as he made his way from Tolworth Station to Ruxley Lane, I was expecting just to do the usual, OCs win the toss
and bat, author umpires for 20 overs, author then fields for 20 overs and may get a bowl, no attention paid to who the opposition was.
Turning the corner to the pavilion I notice the Croydon Skipper and anticipation grows as I try to figure out which ex colleagues I will be playing against, turn another corner and I find out, Everton (a member of the OCs
one cap club) and Naveed (aka robobat).
Anyways, the table is set up, the chairs are placed and OCs are in to bat first with yours truly fielding for Croydon because they are a man down.
Reuben the father and Dave James, fresh from his trip to Italy, open the batting and are pegged back by the economical and accurate opening bowlers. Everton White bowls to James who plays it straight to yours truly who has some form of paradox or syntax error on whether he should catch out one of his team mates or catch off the bowling of a work colleague. Anyways, yours truly makes hard catches look easy and easy catches look hard and drops him.
James then proceeds to spend a lot of the innings having a charmed life or maybe the author had a contagious case of “dropped ball” disease as James has about 4 or 5 catches dropped leading him to be called “half a cat” before being bowled middle stump at first change. Reuben the father breaks down again and retires with a dodgy calf leading to test match Trevor and Sparky taking the middle. The run rate accelerated so OCs were looking at 65 off 15 overs with 100 looking a good target, until Croydon put Naveed on.
Poor Naveed, had he been bowling to Dan Reuben he may have gotten a wicket with his frustrating high, slow deliveries, unfortunately he was bowling to Sparky who hit him for three straight sixes. At this point it should be noted that the OCs growing mainly female support came out in force with the “4” & “6” markers and squeals of delight and appreciation possibly fuelled
by some white wine and possibly some bubble mixture after last week. After Sparky got his eye in, it was surprising that the banners hadn’t been worn out as he bludgeoned his way to 71 not out ably supported by Collett who should have “looked at the ball” rather than “look up” as about 70 runs were put on in the last 5 overs as OCs hit 134.
TEMPORARY FAULT: Viewers should be made aware that due to a fault with no one knowing where the scorecard is, bowling figures are not known due to us using Croydon’s book, normal service will be resumed shortly.
OCs bowled as they batted with Collett taking one off Reuben the eldest behind the stumps in the second ball of Croydon’s chase to have economical figures off three overs, while Munawar opened at the other end and had a good spell for two wickets. Sensing victory fairly early and not noticing any southern hemisphere accents Bisson sent Beeks and Mahesh on possibly in an attempt to make a game of it, however Croydon decided to have a bit of a mini collapse as Mahesh took
two wickets and Beeks took one with a deceptive straight one after a couple of wides.
During this time Reuben the younger showed the author how to chase after a ball leading to some banter and haring round chasing the ball between current
Players' Player Beeksy and three, thats THREE! time Players' Player yours truly.
Smelling rabbits, Bisson brought himself on, only to see his bowling get spanked around the ground for almost half the Croydon total off three overs before the rest of the team told him to “have a blow”. Yours truly finished off from the other end, getting some swing allegedly, although the ball was not ball shaped by the time it was in my hand, getting a wicket for his trouble and having a mini duel with Everton who kept the tail wagging by charging down the track leaving both batsman and bowler laughing all the way to the pavilion.
Croydon saw out the overs with 51-7 and all retired to the bar, next week sees Knoxy playing for the oppo playing reverse psychology with his claims of a “weak” team.
Champagne moment: The female support cheering an opposition 4 on a least one occasion during Bissons spell.
Date: 6th May 2008
Versus: Kingston Taxes
Venue: Ruxley Lane
Result: OCs win by don't know due to lack of scorebook
Report: Apparently, we are doing a lot of things in advance, Bisson announced the batting and bowling line up in advance (although he couldn't forecast the weather the week before & save me a couple of hour of my life which I won't get back). Collett asked us to remember a number of firsts, probably for a quiz at the end of season do, I'll bet he has the speech written already and the awards all worked out like a crooked ITV phone vote dependent on who Robbie Williams wants to give the award to......
Anyways
First Six, Sparky on his way to the first half century of the season as he managed 54 not out.
First Boundary, Ben Reuben on his way to a disappointing for his standards 9 although he made up for it with the ball in hand for about
four wickets.
First dropped catch - Mark Bisson
First Chanelling of the spirit of Andy Finnerty for the opening spell which doesn't go for many runs, but frustratingly doesn't get wickets - Dan Reuben
First "What's he on about" comment - Trevor Collett for his "Look up"!?! at what, sky, planes, birds, what!?!
First Wicket - Manuwar
First Catch - Dan Reuben
First bit of jug avoidance for an almost hat trick - Ben Reuben who had one wicket at the end of one over and another first ball of the next, shame people didn't appear to notice.
First bowled father, caught son partnership - Bowled Ben Reuben, Caught Nathan Reuben
First Chanelling of the absent Ian Doyle by stating the obvious - Dan Reuben for saying "a dot ball is as good as a wicket"
First comedy / circus / champagne moment - Mark Bisson's attempted run out not once, but twice in the same ball! if Sky showed it on a slow motion replay, it would last an hour! Probably surpasses the Ducklin fields a ball over a boundary at Old Selisians from about 8 years ago!
First OTT Appeal - Mark Bisson appealing for a leg before and a run out in the same ball, we were waiting for an appeal for a time out.
First cheeky shot - Sparky's reverse sweep which led to the bowler trying to run him out while backing up a couple of balls later and the bowler taking his scorecard (and our bowling figures) away with him & throwing his toys out of the pram!
First Chanelling of the absent John Bolland for turning up late - Chris Ducklin for turning up 14 overs in the
OCs' innings to see them about 45 for 2 off 13 before Sparky put his foot on the gas & spanked the bowlers.
First player you should judge on accent and not on appearance - The Kingston
player who came in camo shorts and looked a bit out of place, then opened his mouth to show a southern hemisphere accent and proceeded to play the ball around a bit to keep Kingston in the game.
First bit of inspired fielding change - Ben Reuben asking Ducklin to come from point to somewhere between point & slip on the 45 leading to.......
First catch made to look more difficult than it actually was - Chris Ducklin running back towards point to catch a ball slightly behind him. Then showing the proper catching technique by holding it for a split second before throwing it back into the air again to celebrate.
Man of the match - Toss up between Sparky for his 50 and Reuben the elder for his
four wickets.